I have been reviewing my life as a whole, but in segments, different periods of time. I have been shifting and changing so much this past year, I have been working to gain more understanding of each version I have been through out my life.

As a child I kept to myself a lot, played with my Fisher Price People, I literally thought they were my friends. I was so shy, I barely spoke, specially in school. I did enjoy playing on the bars, thinking I was a gymnast. I do remember the joy I felt riding my big wheel down the driveway and skidding to a stop.

As a teenager I spent most of my days crying, being told I was to sensitive, the bullying I endured was intense, those were challenging times. Later teens I was always confused seemed like nothing I did was right, finding my path always felt difficult.

Young adult I became a mother, so I had to grow up really fast, finding yourself while being a single mother wasn’t even in my minds eye at that time, I was so unaware, absent, surviving. A lot of my life I have been serviving.

Later as an older adult, being unaware was catching up to me. I was drowning myself in alcohol and cigarettes to numb the pain of not knowing who I was. I wasn’t willing to do the work to figure it out, so that’s my responsibility. You can only blame the things that happen to you, as you are growing up for so long, eventually it becomes your own responsibility to heal yourself.

It wasn’t until my medical traumas, the surgery that almost ended my life to wake me up from the eternal sleep walking, I was so unaware. I had to fight so hard just to get back to a normal life. My midsection was splayed open, literally cut in half, with a drain tube (wound vac) pulling out the sepsis from my body, along with a poop bag from my small intestines (ileostomy).

I had to find the fight inside of me, motivation when things seemed so impossible to face. Eventually I found myself alone, people get tired of seeing the unhealthy mess I was finding myself in. It took me 6 months to get back into regular life as we call it.

Nothing felt real, for the first time I was like, what am I doing here at this job that means nothing, except a paycheck? I knew I was meant for something else, I felt a calling, something pulling at me, I was wanting a purpose that meant something.

I have a calling to serve people, help people along this pathway I have been creating over time. I am still getting a piece at a time, but it’s finally feeling like it so close, I can feel it! I know that all the trials I have been through can help others, the perseverance I have cultivated, unwavering faith! I know now God saved me that day I floated above my body in the ICU, he saved me so I can help others!

I still have some healing to go, but I am in such a healthy place in my life today, I am so grateful God never gave up on me! Feeling I am already living my purpose by writing about this journey I am currently on, discovering me. Thank you God for saving me that day, Amen!