The event that changed my world, it disconnected me from my body, I was only 5 years old. I didn’t return again until I was 47.

I was so excited, getting to go on a big trip, fly on a plane with only a flight attendant to check on me. It was a scheduled visitation with my father who had left when I was only ten months old.

I was so excited to see him, all the dad fantasies we have, all the things I was hoping for. I am grateful I don’t remember all the details, I have flashes of the events that took place.

I remember him with a camera standing over me in that bathroom, asking me to pose for him while I was in the bathtub, even at the age of 5 I knew it felt strange, without understanding the why it was making me feel strange, that feeling you get in the pit of your stomach.

That was the start of what came next, no description needed, but that was the day I left my body. Left my happy smiley self behind, went quiet, withdrawn. I left my body to survive what I couldn’t understand at that age, it was like I was floating around a waiting room for 42 years.

A fractured spirit, without being aware of it for so long. I had done the counseling, talked to a few friends over the years, and still hadn’t realized how much that one event changed me. This event was a thief, a mental prison, stopped me from living life, only to be in survival mode for so many years.

When I am talking about being whole, I am talking about that happy person I once was, joy in my laughter, and a smile that you can see in my eyes. I am finally home inside of my body, I am finally reconnecting with my inner child, because I am finally the version that she has needed to feel safe enough to come out and play, to be seen, accepted.

Finding my creativity, has created the pathway to reconnect with that little girl, tell her she is loved, she is not the events that happened to her.

Doing the work to heal, take the lessons, wisdom, and making peace with myself. Honestly this wasn’t an easy share, and allowing myself to be vulnerable has been very uncomfortable, but we do not grow in comfort!

I leaned on God tonight, to bring my truth to the light, I know they’re so many of us out there with these stories. We can heal from them, when we set our shadows free, I am grateful, Amen!